MY CHRISTMAS BLESSING
By Jacqueline Eyster
The holidays are upon us once more. today was a significant day for one of my losses. I had the overwhelming need to write.
“Sometimes we do not know anything about a person. Even if you have been with them for many years. You may think you know their favorite drink or food. But you do not know the pain and trauma they have suffered. It still seems funny to me that after all of these years things that break our heart never really go away. They remain dormant. When you loose a pregnancy you loose a part of yourself. I am not looking for pity and am not feeling sorry for myself.”~ Jacqueline Melini-Eyster
I had woken up but fell back to sleep. I have been exhausted the past few days. When you hear on the news horrid things that parents are doing to their children. My heart breaks. I just don’t understand. How could God let that happen? I know with all of my pregnancies I fell on my knees begging that I be able to just have ONE child of my own. Just one not many. I would have loved many but just one. My body was just not strong enough.
But they come to me from time to time. I will dream of all of them. All of us together and playing and laughing. The echo of the laughter I think is what brings the most tears. I know these dreams are real. When they know I am down and out and I need a lift. Or if they feel I am trying to forget about the pain. They come to me. In the dream my 1st pregnancy took me by the hand and asked me to look in my wooden box. i opened it and of course cried with happiness and it was the picture of them. Both of my boys.
I think I had start to harden my heart. Seeing all of the things happening to children. I was angry and wanted to know. Why!!! Why did they have to go??!! I said in anger.. WE, Joe and I would have been great parents. But I guess they needed to be there. WE would see them all again. I needed to get past the hurt and know that most women that couldnt conceive never even knew what it was like to have achild within them. To know the love and the connection. I will always have that. Anytime you have a pregnancy between two people. That bond is unbreakable one that you will never have with another. At that point when you create a life, that life makes the two of you one. It is a part of you and apart of your spouse.
For many years I hardened my heart. My only solace of happiness for Thanksgiving and Christmas was to celebrate with our families and be around all of the nieces and nephews. It seemed like between these holidays is when I had lost them. I felt like it was unrelenting. I had started to hate Spirit/God and withdrew from everything. I prayed everyday and my final loss was December 2007. I guess I just plain gave up.. WE had been trying and trying then I was told I could never get pregnant. THEN out of the blue October 2001 I was floored when I found out that is why I wasnt feeling well. It wasnt the flu. I bought $30.00 of tests many different kinds. WE were very happy. December 24th I wasnt feeling very good. BUT I wanted to have a big Christmas. So I pushed myself. December 26th was not so good. WE spent the evening at the hospital. There is nothing worse than being put on the “Preggers Wing” I called it. WE felt very alone and like we went thru it alone. But we were told it would happen. If that miracle happened. In December 2007 I laid under the Christmas Tree with our dog Paulie and I cried. I was 39 years old and I was told that was it. I could not get pregnant again or I would die. I found children to adopt. I didnt care what race it was. But some people have a reputation to uphold.
I was crushed and grew angrier. Everyone around me was having babies. I felt tortured as Joe did. When two people want something so badly. One will blame the other and that will start tearing at the seams of a marriage. It didn’t help of a constant reminder. “You don’t have any kids so…” tossed in our faces on a daily basis. I took it personally VERY PERSONALLY!! I knew it hurt him to. He just didn’t show it like me. And he just tried to keep the peace. The decline in my marriage was me pulling away.. Then the name calling and sleeping apart. Blaming each other for things the other couldn’t possibly have done. I never thought in a million years it would rip it apart. But it did. I kept going to the doctors saying I didnt feel right can someone help me. One of my favorite doctors I worked for, for a short time. I said Doc P I feel like I am loosing my mind. I cant think straight. I cried and I gushed about how I felt. He said. Jackie, time heal the wounds. It is going to take time. He said he wanted to try me on some meds. But he didnt feel I really needed them. I needed time.. He was right.. All the things he said began to happen. My heart healed slowly. Not completely. That will never heal in my soul until I am with them again.
Why am I writing this? I am hoping that someone will read this. I want you to look at your beautiful creations. Yes, you created a life wthin your body and realize how lucky you are.. You were entrusted to love this life and them love you back. That is the most precious thing you can have in the love between mother and child and father and child. Those of us that get to share and enjoy in it are very blessed. I consider myself very very blessed
In my dream my child told me. You know mom you got what you wanted. I said I did thru tears. I said, but you are not with me. They said but we are.. All of us are. After I got up made coffee. I was crying I took a drink of my coffee and I saw between my Nutcracker and my tiny Christmas Tree I saw a picture of my step son. ONE came to mind. I did ask for ONE . LOL.. I started to laugh. I then started looking at pictures of the three of us. Him in his slippers dancing and singing with my Santa Claus that he loved so much.. Him laughing and saying it looks like Christmas threw up in here Jackie. I used to tell him that Christmas was a special time for me. And that he made it more special than he ever knew. He of course didn’t understand. I hope he would just know how much joy he brought to my life.
It is 2016. I don’t look back on my life being depressed. I am a little sad. BUT I am hoping this will catch the attention of those of you that forget just how precious the life you created and brought into this world is.. Nothing is more precious than a child. Nothing. I am hoping when you read this. You run out and grab those babies. Now matter what age they are. They are still you babies. To My little Peanut Thank you for being the sweetest little boy in the world. To Jennifer, Donald and Anthony Jr. I will always love you. You will always be my babies no matter how old you get. Mother’s and Father’s if the Step Parent loves your child. Let them. You have given them a gift that they are very blessed to have. Jealousy is not an option. You should never feel threatened. That is just more love and understanding for the child. My happy memory is waking up on Christmas morning and getting to see your smiling face. Hot chocolate. The one thing I can rely on. All children get older and they see that the step parent isnt that bad. They are not mean or cruel.. I am the one with the biggest heart. I love all of my children equally.
“BUT A WOMAN’S BODY IS HER OWN. SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO GO THRU THAT.. AS A WOMAN THAT HAD LOST SEVERAL PREGNANCIES. A MAN NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY OR FEEL IS THAT.. JUST A MAN. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT WE GO THRU PHYSICALL AND MENTALLY. THIS SHOULD NOT EVEN BE A DEBATE. IF IT MEANS THE LIFE OF THE WOMAN OR CHILD. THAT SHOULD BE LEFT TO THE PROFESSIONALS. FOR THOSE WOMEN THAT HAVE CHILDREN. AND ARE OPPOSED TO THIS. I PERSONALLY HAVE ALWAYS SIGNED IF THE BABY AND I WERE IN DANGER. SAVE MY CHILD. THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ON THAT ISSUE.
BEING THE FACT I LIVED THRU IT. IT IS BAD ENOUGH YOU COME HOME EMPTY HANDED. DON’T MAKE THE PAIN WORSE. IF YOU CANNOT HAVE SYMPATHY PLEASE SHOW THAT PERSON EMPATHY. NEVER EVER THROW IN SOMEONES FACE THE FACT THEY COULD NEVER HAVE CHILDREN. THE CRUELEST THING I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED WAS TO STRIKE OUT AT ME THAT IS CRUEL AND HEARTLESS. BUT IT WAS NOT THE WORDS OF A BABE EITHER. IT HAS BEEN DONE TO ME. I HELD MY HEAD HIGH AND STILL DO. THEY WILL FIND OUT WHAT IT IS LIKE. THEY WILL STAND OF THE OTHER SIDE OF THEIR WORDS. NOT A WARNING. A FACT. IF YOU HAVE TIME TO REPAIR DAMAGE. YOU SHOULD DO SO. TIME IS SHORT ON THIS EARTH PLANE. ”
MY CHRISTMAS BLESSING