Written by Jackie Eyster
Well poor Squirt was being pecked by the birds that have finally decided to defend their bird feeders.. So I buy food for Squirt too.. Banjo n Badass Eyster our ENOURMOUS raccoons that live in the backyard were eating Squirts food and I am sure smacking him around claiming their territory. Yo Squirt.. This is like our turf.. Find another feeding hole.. Squirt stood tall and said NO!! I will not go and find Nuts anywheres else!! Those r my Nuts ova there see. And I am not budging see.
Squirt called on Nunya n Skittles Coyote.. They said next time u give me a problem.. Call them..
They will cram a peanut butter jar on ya head.. Yo Badass didn’t that happen to u already..
BAHAHA.. Nunya n Skittles are from Boston Mass, they were caught n forced to come here.
So like me they are transplants too just trying to feed their families. I see my lady human come out and listen to them howl on full moon. She lights candles n puts out food for all of us. Her and the man human live in the house on Kentucky Street. Bubba Bob Don is the squirrel that runs the place. When I got there I thought the raccoon brothers did. Nah.. There just a buncha noise and they guard the front of the house. They have some kinda super power called Rabies.
I don’t think I want that. So I stay clear. Here life is different. It’s not as fast paced. Getting across the street is a lot easier. Now they got a lot of birds here tho man. If a squirrel isn’t careful they are lunch. I knew this guy. His name was Whitey. A white squirrel. Ya.. Go figure. He had to have body guards against these birds. I heard he was taken out a few months ago.
They tried to save him but that falcon was just to fast. We have a falcon and a freakin’ hawk here. But that is life in the country man. Here a squirrel can make his home.
Eh.. I know ur thinking.. Why does this Indiana Squirrel sound like he’s from Jersey?? Well..
Ima Jersey transplant. I was minding my own business in Vineland NJ. I found a box with some kinda plastic fruit n nuts n flowers in it. I said Yo WTH.. Next thing I know. It goes dark..
I was stuck in a box man!! It’s a bumpy ride. Sometimes felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I broke out of the box. I was trying to squeeze between all of these walls. After what seemed like foreva. The truck stopped I heard a weird noise and there was light!! I ran like hell n jumped out of my giant trap. I heard laughing from humans. I listened. They said they moved to Indiana.. I said.. Squirt.. Where the hell is Danville Indiana?? I ran and I ran until I got to a Tennessee Street. I ran to a tree on Kentucky Street. See us squirrels can read.. We just dont tell ya. I saw
this chic giving out free food. I said HEY!! She sounds like me when she talks!! She’s gotta be cool if she is handing out free food. U gotta see the squirrels here!! These country boys r big man!! Bubba is born n raised here in Danville!! He lets me stay in his yard here on Kentucky cause he likes the way I talk. He thinks its “right on”. This Jersey Transplant squirrel is loving it…
Here..😁 I wouldn’t of made it thru this winter without human man n human lady. They put food out for us. All kinds of food. I tried italian, chinese, mexican and the lady human gives us what she calls “Leftovers” and man she can cook. I hear them call each other names. But I don’t think they are really their names. She calls him a Meaner B*****d he calls her a Squirrely B***h. She doesn’t look like a squirrel. When they yell like that it reminds me of home out in the old family tree. We used to hear them yell at each other and they weren’t even mad. Just talking and laughing. I think the human man’s name is Billy Eyster and the lady is Jackie Eyster.
Now it’s rare they call each other that. The lady wears a t-shirt that says “My kinda humor may hurt ur feelings” I knew she was an East coast chic. The man Billy sounds like a Sgt when he sounds off sometimes. I almost fall into line. But they are both cool. I love it here tho. Nice big backyard to run in. If I have any problems I go and see Bubba and he will go to the Great Wise Owl Norway or he goes to Barry the Groundhog that lives in the woods behind the broken fence. I was there that day!!! Lemme tell ya!! The wind was blowing really hard, I stayed in my hole for a little while. I peaked out and heard this giant CRRRRRRACK!!! Down came that tree man!! It took out the back part of the fence. The rabbit that handles the real estate in the back.
She tried to give it to me at “a good deal”. I said I wouldn’t give 2 nuts for that tree it’s condemned!! I have seen trees in Camden n Philly that look better than that. I mean it would have been covered by my homeowners. BUT.. HEY.. not ready to settled down and get with a dame yet. Ya know. Starting a family… Well I wanna wait for a while. Getting back on subject.
Here the food is so fresh. I have nuts years round here. The summers are nice you can lay back on a branch in the breeze. The animals here are very friendly. They will help ya if you need it. They consider it a hand up not a hand out. They don’t know if they will need a favor themselves I am there. I got a job working for Bubba n his family the Dans. I know Bubba Dan is a cool name I think. My name is Frankie Butuvantanni they call me Squirt for short. A Good Jersey Squirrel name. I have sent my parents and brothers and sisters invites to come to the midwest. My ma she says her joints hurt n she can’t sit for long periods of time. I told her Ma!!
Have the Squirrel Wagon pull over n stretch ur legs. She doesn’t wanna come out of the black walnut tree. My sisters are afraid to travel long distances. They have like 10 kids 20 grandkids n a bunch of great grands. I have one sister that made it to California. She lives high up in a Cali rooftop Palm Tree. She works for Squobe. My dad well.. He owns a T D Ryks Mobil Squome repair business in Florida. If your mobil squome breaks down he will fix it. I don’t know about u.
But Florida is very dangerous for squirrels. I don’t even think there are many there. They are all coming to the midwest!! There was a hole family eaten by a python!! A python man!! The alligators chase u up the tree and the pythons eat ya!!I think someone has a deal going!! Seriously!! I went to visit my cousin Hank in the Everglades. Um NO THANK U!! This city squirrel was not having that!! Everything eats everything there. Mother nature is doing her best to protect us. But the humans are gaining ground on us. I am lucky tho. I have a great home right here on Kentucky Street. I know have called Danville Indiana home since 2017 when I jumped outta that box on that truck. I am glad
tho. I look forward to finding a hometown squirrel and settling down. I like my job I am a gatherer and I take my job seriously. I have made my home here. We are all safe here on our little lot.
Well thats my story.. Thanks for reading.
Squirt Eyster OUT!!!
By Jackie Eyster